Penthouse Superbowl!

by Laine Speiser
www.thepenthousesuperparty.com

The Penthouse Superbowl weekends are always wild, crazy and fun, and admittedly it has nothing to do with the Sunday big game. I have never watched an entire football game in my life, though ironically I’ve dated a fair share of football enthusiasts and ex-football big man on campus jocks and have actually sat with them to watch a game. At first I’m into it, the uniforms are very flattering to the male form, and the man on man aggressiveness is alluring. But then, usually halfway through I’ll either nod off, go to the kitchen to make sandwiches and drinks, or go to the bedroom to talk to my girlfriend or sister on the phone.

Then once a year I travel to destiny du jour where the Superbowl is being held with about 20 Penthouse Pets and I become the envy of every man in the world. This year should be especially off the hook, because it’s in Miami, And here are some of the highlights from Superbowl pasts.

Detroit Superbowl 2006 – We had about 15 Pets with us, and our party had three different outfit changes courtesy of James Ferrell of Azzure Clothes. The girls danced on stage with Snoop Dogg and smoked weed with his Daddy. Tommy Lee was supposed to show up and DJ, but got into a brawl with Kid Rock instead.Usher went backstage and tried to take Krista Ayne and Renee Diaz home, and when they politely declined he told them they were making a huge mistake and were missing a big opportunity.

Heather Vandeven had one too many shots and ended the night with a cookie toss, but that was nothing compared to Cassia Riley bitch slapping an obnoxious asshole the night before our big party at another club.

Oh boy, I miss touring with Miss Cassia because I also pretended to anally rape her at some point during the weekend in front of a huge crow of people. Not because I was drunk, but restless. I think there’s a photo of my perverse act floating around somewhere. No charges were filed.

Miami Superbowl 2007 – Our theme that year was the ocean, so I commissioned our stylist at the time to make sexy, slutty and fun custom maid mermaid outfits for 20 Penthouse Pets. During the fittings he heard a few complaints and criticisms, freaked out and decided to shut down on working and alterations. He also decided I was Satan’s Spawn for giving him an opportunity he was not prepared for and told everyone I was not allowed to be in the same room as him. But then one of the girls gave me a Xanax and then he was fine.

Snoop Dogg performed at the party again, but this year we got a hold of his list of food and drink demands which included a bowl of only red skittles, Popeye’s Chicken and Biscuits and Remy Martin. K-Fed gave a few of my girls some attitude but Pet Kimberly Rogers set him straight by saying, “You know this is OUR party, we’re just letting you hang out here.”

Both Hilton sisters were there, lots of hip-hop people and Brittney too (but seperate from K-Fed of course). The evening ended with a Penthouse Pet girl-on-girl make out and grope session while they waited for the limo buses. Then in the morning I was handed a bill from the driver because someone on the ride home experienced bladder control issues. Who was it? I came up empty in my investigation which consisted of, “Did you wet your pants on the way back to the hotel? Do you know who did?”

Phoenix Superbowl ’08 – If you look on my photo section, you will see that the girls were particularly slamming gorgeous that year. There was little drama, Phoenix is a pretty mellow place. Actor Timothy Hutton came to our party, and for some reason I found that very strange. I also never saw that many cowboy hats at a Penthouse party before, even the ones we’ve had in Texas, and hopefully I never will again.

An ex of mine came to the party with his creepy, horny friends and when they had trouble getting in at the door he called my cell and yelled, “I’m catching more shit than a toilet bowl out here!” Which cracked me up so hard I had the Ladies Room attendant listen to the message too, had a glass of water, and then went out to fetch him and his friends who seemed to think it was perfectly acceptable to greet me with a hearty ass squeeze. The highlight for me was meeting some really cool people from Adult Friend Finder that weekend, whom the owner of Penthouse had just acquired and were now my co-workers. I met and hung out with a Friend Finder Affiliate Boneprone who sauntered into Snoop Dogg’s dressing room somehow and hung with him and crew for awhile. Prior to the party we had a crazy hectic schedule of morning television and radio.

We probably got about two hours of sleep a night, except for Martina Warren who got none. She was the first one downstairs at 6am, looking fresh and angel-faced beautiful, with what looked like a Big Gulp in her hand. But getting in closer I knew the smell. “Is that Red Bull and Vodka?” She smiled and said, “Yes it is would you like some?” It would be downright rude to say no.
Tampa Superbowl ’09 – This was our most intimate. We held it at the Tampa Penthouse Club and it was hosted two Pets, Pet of the Year Taya Parker and Pet of the Year Runner Up Shawna Lenee. This was fine with the party goers, because unlike our other parties, this one had bare breasts and g strings everywhere you looked. I thought having only two Pets this would make a more peaceful, low-key weekend but I was wrong. While doing Sirius XM’s Bubba the Love Sponge Show fellow guest Dennis Rodham decided to throw everyone out of the green room, lock the door and try to see what kind of sex we were into and if we like black men. The funny thing is I have been running into Dennis Rodham every year for the past ten years, and he never remembers me but he always says the same thing to me. And he said the same thing to me when he had us trapped in Bubba the Love Sponge’s green room. “Those are some impressively large lips for a white girl. Those look like blow job lips, girl, do you like to give blow jobs?” We eventually escaped his clutches, but not before Taya Parker got him to pose for a few photos. His management asked me for Taya’s number and she said it was cool to give it to him, though she didn’t hear from him again, or at least not during the rest of that weekend.

Who ended up getting lucky was Shawna Lenee with a certain very cute Florida morning show host who came to our big Saturday night soiree. And the only reason I found out is because when I came to pick her up at 5am for the airport I saw the room was in crazy disarray like a tornado had gone through it and condom wrappers on the floor. That’s my girl, being fun, sexy, independent but responsible. Taya Parker’s Rock of Love Bus show was just going full swing, so she got recognized everywhere and when it was time for her to perform her feature sets the place was jam packed.

Miami 2010 – I am going to be traveling with 20 Penthouse and you can party with them at The Hard Rock Casino club, Passions, in Hollywood, FL. There’s even VIP table status where you get to be entertained by two Penthouse Pets at once. Go to www.thepenthousesuperparty.com to buy your tickets and if you want to get that private table, email my wonderful, coworker Lindsay at ltrivento@ffn.com. And if you do come and you see a redhead running around from Pet to Pet with a Red Bull in her hand, that’s me. Feel free to say hello … and buy me another one. I will need it.

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