Hustler’s Untrue Hollywood Stories: Lindsay Lohan – Review
By Alicia Hydra

To the utter delight of dirty old men everywhere who were counting the days until Lindsay Lohan’s 18th birthday, Hustler has released a porn movie that parodies her rocky relationship with the paparazzi over the last couple of years – Hustler’s Untrue Hollywood Stories: Lindsay Lohan. It seems like a good idea at first glance – here we have a lovely young star struggling to regain her former idol status, doing nude photo shoots, even going through a lesbian romance, all by the light of camera flashes. It’s prime material for porn parody. Clearly, there are a few obligatory scenes, she fucks a photographer, fucks her lesbian lover, and there’s even a sex scene with a Paris Hilton look-alike trying to get revenge on her on again, off again best friend. I find TMZ videos and paparazzi photos in gossip magazines to be some of the most annoying things about pop culture today, and a porn parody of something that’s already entirely lacking in substance seems terribly redundant and even silly, but as trashy and silly (even a little redundant) as it may be, this parody is not without its charm.

First of all, Scarlett Fay’s performance in dialogue scenes as Lindsay Lohan is probably the best part of the movie. She really does look like Lindsay with the sunglasses on, and her acting is better than it has to be for this sort of work. The dialogue is a little funny, and a few cute repeating motifs make it entertaining on a very superficial level. Unfortunately, most of the sex scenes don’t measure up. The interactions, for the most part, are awkward and forced, and it comes across very clearly that the performers are much more concerned with trying to look sexy in their costumes than enjoying the sex. I try not to be too critical of basic production design in porno movies, but the lighting in most scenes, especially the opening sex scene between Lindsay and a photographer, highlight every imperfection and bring out unflattering undertones in their skin. Both performers are very attractive people but the lighting makes that quite hard to see. This is definitely not what I want to think about when I’m trying to get off.

The girl-girl scene is one of the better parts of the movie. Dylan Ryan is absolutely adorable as Sam, and teaches the bi-curious Lindsay how to have sex with a girl in what’s supposed to be her first time. Scarlett and Dylan are both great in their roles, and manage to stay in character throughout their sex scene, with Dylan moving expertly around Scarlett’s inexperienced but eager to learn body. Another highlight is Eden Adams as Paris Hilton, whose smoking-hot sex with Jay Lassiter is beautifully displayed against a backdrop of a stylish Los Angeles mansion. Eden’s snobby, confident attitude is fantastic and stays consistent in the whole scene. It goes without saying that it’s volumes better than Paris Hilton’s actual sex tape.

These brief highlights, however, are really not enough to sweep up the mess left by the rest of the movie. The biggest disappointment to me was that there is a photo of Ron Jeremy on the cover of the DVD with the caption “Caught boning Ron Jeremy!” So the whole movie, I was waiting for the Ron Jeremy scene. So much for that! His appears in an incredibly brief non-sex role in the last 5 minutes. It’s like when you see a trailer for a movie that includes an actor’s cameo – terribly misleading and ultimately disappointing.

I don’t know any hardcore Lindsay Lohan fans, but I suppose if you could find one, that person would find this rather appealing. It’s easy to squint your eyes and suspend your disbelief and feel for brief moments like you are actually watching Lindsay Lohan have sex. But if you’re simply looking for solid sex scenes or a good production, you won’t find it here. Besides, the way things are going, doing porn wouldn’t be a terrible career move for the actual Lindsay Lohan. It certainly wouldn’t surprise me.

Official Rating: 4/10

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