Story & photos by Lainie Speiser

Last week the good people at Penthouse decided to treat us to an impromptu pizza party to kick off our holiday weekend, and I don’t care what anyone says, you’re never too old and jaded to get excited by six kinds of extra large pizza pies, an array of gourmet cookies and fresh cut up fruit arranged on a long conference room table. And a feeding frenzy commenced.

In between bites I was talking to my fellow co-workers – Maria a woman around my age and Elysia a young lady in her late 20s. I had sent around the invitation to Ryan Keely’s birthday party a few days before and asked them if they were coming that night. “I’m going away to the folks for my brother’s graduation, but you know I’d be there otherwise,” said Elysia an adorable, tiny thing of Philippine descent. It’s true, Elysia comes to every single party and brings her friends and boyfriends. In return I sexually harass her in the office by holding up a huge Penthouse butt plug and ask her to sit on it for me. She’s tiny but sturdy, and she pushed me so hard I almost fell over. Bitch. Maria, an attractive Lynda Carter looking lady never comes to my parties; she’s got a life with a husband and a bunch of kids and actually needs a break from porn sometimes. “That’s tonight right? How old is she going to be?” she asked. I told her 25, younger than young Elysia and Maria snorted and shook her head and said, “I don’t know how you don’t go nuts hanging around all those little kids, what do you have to say to them?”

It’s not the first time I’ve been asked this question since I turned 40, and the answer is simple. I’m really immature, we have a lot in common and these girls have lived a lifetime more than I have. We have plenty to talk about. Especially Penthouse Pet Ryan Keely, we talk over each other, on top of each other, we have so much to say to each other.

I’ve been seeing Ryan a lot this past week promoting her sex seminar www.pornstarsexlife.com. It’s a project she’s extremely excited about and actually made the excursion to Hoboken where I live and bought me dinner at my favorite Cuban restaurant so we could discuss it. She’s smart as hell, Ryan Keely, and very independent. She made her own may to NYC from New Orleans, got her own Manhattan apartment at a pretty decent price, and schedules her own feature dance gigs, not to mention a bunch of other projects. But Porn Star, Sex Life is definitely her pet project, pun intended. As a lover of cute, geeky boys and men, Ryan thinks it’s high time she taught them how to get down the way we like using simple methods and sticking with them. “You know what I hate?” she said to me awhile back, “When a guy is doing something to you, it feels good, you tell him it feels good and what does he keep doing it? No, he decides to do something completely different.”

Yeah I always wondered about that too, I think it’s about the male ego showing off all his tricks, but Ryan is on a quest to change all of that. When we heard about her seminar a month ago she had just spent the day at one of those Pick-up Artist seminars and was appalled at the lines the geeks were being fed, and then tried on her. “And this whole thing with the peacocking they teach? It’s just horrible dressing for a reaction, no thank you. I do not want to go out with a man who calls himself, Mystery.”

The first time I worked with Ryan was for the annual Friend Finder Affiliates gathering we have every September. She was a blast of energy, intelligence and charm. She could talk about any subject you brought up and is up on books, movies and music. Plus she’s hot as hell standing at five foot nine inches with one of the nicest asses you’ll ever see in the business.

This affiliate gathering was in Las Vegas and we were hanging in an expensive cabana in Mandalay Baby surrounded by other expensive cabanas filled with low rent people, as is the tradition of Las Vegas. This particular bachelor party next cabana over was really obnoxious and I was happy when well-endowed Pet Shay Laren threw up cocktail weenies in the pool they were cooling off in. That’s the best part of hanging out with stunning women, they can do whatever they want and are men going to say a single thing about it? Hell no, especially when they’re topless.

But this party of guys, our affiliates not included, were really gross, not only slapping the girls asses and coming on to them, but even picking on me with one guy pulling down my bikni top, trying to latch on to my nipple. I yanked it back up and told him I wasn’t that kind of hot mama. Ryan was being totally tolerant but when it came time for Cristal in flute glasses she decided to make a special toast to the drunk, jerk-off, groom to be, “Here’s to monogamy, boys!” she shouted out. The rest of the Pets and I burst into laughter, toasted with her and got out of the disgusting pool of idiots and floating regurgitated weenies.

Since then Ryan and I have been more than client and publicist, but also friends. We spent New Year Eve together, we went to see New Moon together (and are going to see the Eclipse this weekend), we have dinners and drinks on a steady basis, tell each other about our break ups and hook ups, and in between we do a lot of business together.  She’s a doll, a goldmine, and I’d clone and make ten more Ryan Keelys if I could. How can you not love a beautiful young lady who made up a phrase called, “Shirt Cocking” which is when a man fucks you wearing nothing but a tee shirt. Oh yes, you know what Ryan is talking about don’t you?

I do, unfortunately. We talk about dick a lot, Ryan and I, and she comes out with one zinger after another. “Penises, they’re fun when they’re hard, but so silly when they’re soft, aren’t they?” Well … yes but Ryan and I love silly, lucky for all of mankind.

I told Ryan, as I tell all of the New York City Penthouse Pets, if you would like a birthday party I would be happy to throw one for you. Ryan immediately said yes and told me what she wanted which was a good old fashioned toga party but with a glam rock twist. So away we went to La Pomme in the West 20s to speak with them about it, and lo and behold they loved the idea. The party was a total success, with lots of girls, bottles, dancing and I brought a tasty young man for Ryan that I had met in the green room of the Luis Jimenez Show, an exchange student from South American named Alejandro with cute, mod blue hair, smooth café au lait skin and some impressive looking, pillowy lips. If he didn’t make me feel so old I would have snatched him up for myself, but I thought he’d be appropriate for my sexy birthday girl.

Alejandro showed up wearing a make shift toga from towels he bought at Target. He looked more like a slave boy than a Roman emperor, and he looked good, very, very good. When I said goodbye to him at 3am I still ever the earth mama, asked him to text me wherever he decided to sleep. An hour later my young Latino said he was at Ryan’s, getting ready for bed, and thanked me for my kindness. I went to bed myself then, happy that he was safe and Ryan was going to have something far sweeter in her mouth than the birthday cupcakes the good people at La Pomme brought out for her.

But no I was wrong. The next night after both mine and Ryan’s hangovers were cured by more drinking, she texted me and said, “He is beautiful and young, but too young. My vagina did not get off the couch.” So in Ryan Keely’s case, 25 years old is really old enough to teach you about how to get game. She told me she wants to be the Tony Robbins of the sex industry and wants to release the inner porn star in everyone. Noble and sexy, and she’s going to demonstrate her moves on Penthouse Pet Justine Joli and Penthouse feature Jade Vixen. I’m going to hide behind the curtains of the club where she is conducting her seminar, and watch a roomful of freaks and geeks transform. Or at least learn to take their socks off before they get into bed.

This Saturday, July 10 in New York City’s Velour Lounge. To purchase tickets go to www.pornstarsexlife.com.

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