Reviewer- El Kabong Says

Movie Company & website- Adam & Eve adamandeve.com

Movie Title- The Crack Pack

Director- Joe Gallant

Cast- Bree Olson, Alexis Texas, Ron Jeremy, Sara Stone, Andi Anderson, Kirra Lynene, Louisa Lanewood, Debi Diamond, Dino Bravo, Jack Vegas, Tyler Knight.

Type of Movie- Feature

Description- Joe Gallant had Season 1 of Mad Men in his Netflix queue and decided to make a porno about the Rat Pack in order to capture that essence.

Favorite Scene- Bree Olson and Alexis Texas in a three-way with Jack Vegas. Bree starts the scene wearing a sexy French maid outfit. Then we see her eat Alexis’ pussy and both girls get a pile driver from Jack. Two hot chicks swapping cum. That’s what porn is all about!

Best Things- The ladies, especially Bree Olson. I have a serious porn crush on her. Men judge women based on two criteria: Beauty and Sexiness. You can be sexy without being beautiful – That’s why guys flock to suicidegirls.com. All the girls in this movie have both, but Bree is more beautiful and more sexy than the rest. That’s why she is the cover model for this DVD.

Pay attention ladies, because I’m about to reveal a secret. There is, in fact, a third metric. It is the best explanation you are ever going to get for the Jerry Springer Show or skanky hookers making a living. Fuckability.

Yes, fuckability.

Now I know that the girls in pornos are just acting. The parts they play are slutty and easy to fuck; that doesn’t mean that they themselves are ready to drop their panties. In real life, none of us guys have a chance with any of them.

Take Riley Steele, for instance. Unbelievably beautiful. Jaw-achingly sexy. But short of buying a lap dance or paying for an all-nude picture at an appearance, I’m not getting anywhere near that pussy so she fails on the fuckability front.

Bree Olson is quite different. Read her Myspace blog or follow her on Twitter, she will and does fuck random guys. She is either not acting at all or is the best damn actress in adult when in front of the camera because I earnestly believe that the right words or a well-timed wisecrack and I could watch her gurgle my semen. That makes her seriously fuckable.

That also makes her the hottest girl in porn today.

Worst Things- Everything but the sex scenes. Really. I didn’t like the writing, the acting, the lighting, the way the shots were set up, the picture quality, the music, the singing or even the premise. On second viewing I will simply fast forward to the action and keep my focus on the girls.

Extras- There is a whole second disc full of extras. There is ‘More Bree’ which is basically the unedited footage of Bree from the shoot. I discovered that she cannot swim, just like me.

‘Strip Joint Diary’ is the unedited footage shot at a strip club with a live jazz band onstage. Surprise, Bree is in this, too.

The Behind the Scenes stuff was way short and just offered a few between-takes snippets.

There is a ‘Rat Pack Routine’ with Dino Bravo, Jack Vegas and Tyler Knight doing bad karaoke which I skipped.

There is a bonus XXX scene with Ron Jeremy and Andi Anderson that did not make the final cut.

There is also a bonus scene from another movie, Young Hollywood, with Lystra and Mandy Morbid. Tattoos and pink mohawks are not my thing, though, and I didn’t find this lesbian scene even remotely interesting.

Overall- The women were great and the sex scenes were hot, don’t get me wrong, but something was off-putting about this DVD. Maybe it’s because I never got the appeal of the Rat Pack. Maybe it’s because I believe music attained perfection in 1993. Maybe it’s because I have Blind Lemon Jefferson and Robert Johnson on my iPod, but no jazz. Maybe it’s because I have an iPod! Most likely it’s because I like my writing and plot to at least superficially be connected and to move the story along.

Prenoms- Bree Olson for Hottest Girl in the Universe, Bree Olson for Most Fuckable Girl in the Universe, and another Lifetime Achievement Award for Ron Jeremy. How many fucking movies has he been in?

Score- The Sex Scenes are Hot, the rest of the movie is Not. 6 out of 10.

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