Dears,

It all started with Barney.   Y’know, he’s the cantor out here at B’Nai Savings & Loan in Walnut Creek and when he’s not singing like an angel or working on someone’s stock portfolio, he’s a professional mensch.  He always involved in one charity or another
and he’s constantly pitching in to help those in need.  And his largesse is not limited  to humanity, it also extends to the animal kingdom, too, which, not surprisingly, is where  I came in.

One day, Barney calls me up and he’s all aflutter to help the pandas.  A series of  earthquakes in China had seriously damaged their habitat and there was an  emergency international call for funds to help create a new home for all these  struggling, dispossessed pandas.  “House the Pandas,” the drive was called and I  gave generously to the fund.  Initially because Barney asked, but later simply because I think that pandas are some of the coolest animals on the planet.

Then came the rains.  The new housing for the pandas was built on a flood plain in one  of the outlying Chinese provinces.  Unexpected flash-flooding completely destroyed  the “House the Pandas” new location.  It was a total loss.  Desperate Chinese officials  responded with the “Adopt a Panda Project.”  Temporary homes all over the world had to be found for 187 pandas until the conclusion of the rainy season when all of these  flood waters would recede.  Don’t let anybody tell you that global warming is not real.   We are only beginning to see these dire consequences all over the world.

And that’s when little “Moo Shu” came into my life.  Many adult pandas were loaned  out to zoos all over the world.  Forty-three of them alone came to be assigned to  the United States.  Among them, were eleven baby pandas who would require  24 hour care.  They had either lost or been rejected by their mothers and without human intervention, they would die.  Three of these panda babies came to the  Oakland Zoo, where I have been a member and supporter ever since my kids  were born.  The over-populated and under-funded Oakland Zoo decided to solicit  community support by allowing these three panda babies to be temporarily cared for  in private homes .  Our application was accepted and “Moo Shu” came to live with  us seven weeks ago.

At first, Moo Shu would not allow us to milk feed her here from a bottle.  She would  only eat sporadically and was not gaining her appropriate weight.  That’s when I  began taking the female hormone therapy.  I also at that point decided to have my  breasts enlarged.  When my breasts finally started producing their own milk, Moo Shu  accepted them and began gaining her badly needed weight.

I have taken to motherhood like it has been my all along one true destination in life.  While it seems  perhaps a bit too late to have the genital replacement surgery to complete my metamorphosis, I’m still  positively delighted that Jehovah has given me this blissful opportunity to wet nurse my little Moo Shu.    It’s going to be very difficult to wean her, but she’s already up to 16 pounds so that day will be coming  soon.  Besides that, she’s taken to chewing on my nipples and they’ve both become cracked and sore,  but it’s a small price to pay to have been part of such a wondrous miracle.

In case you fellows out there were curious, at this stage, I haven’t exactly become gay.  In fact, it’s  really been real fun to have my own tits to play with instead of having to put up with a woman for that  opportunity.  Masturbation now has so many more options.  I still love my wife, by the way.  Since I’ve  become a chick-with-a-dick, our sex life has completely re-invented itself.

Go Stillers!
Good Shabbos,

Howie Gorton aka Richard Pacheco author of soon to be released-

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