PART 1  http://www.ladieznight.com/3804
PART 2 http://www.ladieznight.com/3814/
PART 3 http://www.ladieznight.com/4000

Picking up the pieces……Part 4

“My question is are the pieces big enough to pick up and put back together, or will I have to stay for the wrong reasons? I guess only time will tell.”

This was how I ended part 3 of my story, within 2 days of writing that things fell apart again. I told my husband that since we could not afford to split up, I wanted to back off of “working” on our relationship. I really wanted to take our kids on a long vacation over the summer and visit family and even though he said yes, of course within a few days after it became apparent he was not going to go the extra mile to make it happen. It was made clear to me that “we” could not afford it. I really felt and still feel I need some time away, and if he was really “sorry” and loves me the way he says he does he would make it happen in order for me to do what I feel I need to do. So I told him I did not want to hear that he loves me, I did not want to pretend anymore with the one sided hugs and kisses. I also told him that we were going to live as room mates and co-parent our children. Once again he took this as me wanting out of the marriage, when all I wanted was a “break”. I am not interested in “dating” anyone else, right now I think that would mess with my mind way too much and I am not ready to move on from my marriage. However his mind was set that I was done; he could not wrap it around his head that this is what I needed and proceeded to have an emotional break down. I refused to shed a tear, while this happened, because the way I felt I had been the emotional wreck for months as he just repeats the same thing over and over again. Here is where my weakness kicks in. Up until Jan 31, when I found out about the affair I loved this man for more the 14 years and to see him in such emotional pain was really tough. The next day I gave in again and took back everything I said about living separately, but together.

The problem with this is when he was in his “bad place” last summer he turned to someone else for comfort, not me. I am in just as bad of a place in my head or maybe worse, nothing that I want happens, I can’t get away, I can’t be left alone in order to get my head back on straight. I still feel the same way weeks later; even though we have been very intimate with each other we seem to just be ignoring the obvious. I truly believe that he believes as long as we are together and having sex it will all go away eventually. However what he doesn’t know is, it is always with me. 24 hours a day 7 days a week. There has not been 1 hour that has gone by in the last almost 4 months that I do not think about how and where I failed!! I mean come on it has too be my fault, people look outside their marriage when there is something missing. So I ask myself everyday “what was I missing?

I go about 10 days before I start feeling really down again, but it’s always up to me to say something. I just feel that the only time he takes action is in reaction to my moods or break downs. I have to ask before he acts, whether it’s writing me a letter. Going to see his councilor, its been almost 2 months since his last appointment and it was only when I asked when he was going back that suddenly he had an appointment set. He thinks that flowers every couple weeks is all he needs to do, now he will argue that he “tells” me that he loves only me and wants only me, but I still ask myself “where was this before” I want to feel like I am worth the same amount of effort it took to hide an affair from me for 4 months, the planning of encounters and the excitement of something to look forward to. Some of you might think I am asking too much, but this is how I feel! Until Jan. 31st I felt loved, wanted and that I was that one special person in his eyes.

All that was taken away with a message sent to one of my friends telling me about the affair. I now feel like an after thought, someone who was taken for granted that I would be O.K. with the affair, I mean really where am I going to go? I have proven that I am not strong enough to walk away, which bothers me more then anything because I used to be a very strong women, or at least I thought I was. Today was not a good day, I can feel myself slipping back into the bad thoughts and when I express myself to him I get “I am here for you”. Where is the heartfelt sincere apology? How long until he sees the way I feel or will he ever? Maybe he’s not capable, and if that is the case, can I live with that?

I have read every online article about how to heal your marriage after an affair I recommended a book to him; he got through the 1st of 3 parts. I bought another book and it has sat on my desk at home, where he has plenty of time at least to pick it up and start reading but I know that if I say anything the very next day he will be reading it. I am tired of letting him know what he should be doing, my opinion is he took it upon himself to have an affair that could possibly end our marriage then he should be doing 90% of the work to get it back on track. My 10% is simply staying.

So my new question is, if he can’t see things the way I do and can’t make the effort that makes me feel that I am the only one he will ever love, the one special person that he could never let this happen again. The way I felt for the 14 years we had before he brought this poison into our lives. Then what am I doing here?

Thanks for reading and I appreciate all the comments and try to respond to them as soon as I can.

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