PART 1  http://www.ladieznight.com/3804
PART 2 http://www.ladieznight.com/3814/
PART 3 http://www.ladieznight.com/4000

PART 4 http://www.ladieznight.com/4037

Picking up the pieces part 5
I started this new chapter and then things just kind of went south, so this is being written over several weeks period..Bear with my manic writing I will have something to say.
What am I doing here?
I ask myself this question at least a half a dozen times a day. One part of my brain and heart wants to just put all of what happened with my husband’s affair behind me, to forgive and move on. However the rest of my head and heart really wants to walk away and never look back. But how can I do that? We have 2 children together (12 & 9), 15 years of building a life, family and home together. I want to believe him when he says he made a mistake and will forever regret that mistake, but that does not make the hurt I feel go away. I have not told him I loved him since finding out about the affair that was over 4 months ago. I have not even tried on my wedding rings. I can’t express myself in my writing just what my feelings are. Let me tell you what he did for Memorial weekend. Two weeks before he asked if I could take the Friday before that weekend off that way it became a 4 day weekend. Our kids had school that Friday so that meant we had that day to ourselves. The day before he asked me to go and buy a new sun dress, at our first meeting I picked him up at the airport wearing a sun dress. I also picked up a matching thong just to add to the outfit
We dropped the kids off at school and then went to breakfast at a local family restaurant, after we went home showered and got ready to go. As I was finishing getting ready he presented me with a small package wrapped in gold foil. He said that it was something to wear with my new dress. In the package was a beautiful pair of emerald earrings, the first gift he ever gave me 15 years ago was a pair of emerald earrings for my birthday. This pair was a lot different from the first and a lot prettier. I had only a small hint of what was going on this day. We drove to a beach that I had never been to before, it was a warm day but extremely foggy but that kind of added to the romance. Packed in the trunk was a cute new picnic basket that included cheese and crackers, grapes, apple slices, chocolate covered strawberries (that he made) and two bottles of our favorite red wine. We sat on the beach sipping wine and snacking on the goodies. We walked down to the water and laughed at the fact that the water was so cold that it made our feet hurt, but it was still really fun and playful. I can’t remember exactly how long we spent sitting on the beach, but of course the time went by fast. We then drove to a second location; he had made an appointment for me at a Day Spa to have a one hour massage. We then had to head back home, where he gave me a beautiful bouquet of yellow with red tips roses. We spent some alone time together before having to head out and pick up our kids. He made a great dinner for all of us that night. We capped off the night by sitting in our hot tub. The rest of the weekend was just as great, spent Saturday with the kids and then that night we sat in our hot tub and watched a very funny movie, while enjoying a large bottle of champagne.
This is where my confusion comes in. By Tuesday afternoon I felt myself slipping back into my “dark” place. I have tried to figure out what triggered it, but I really can’t find a cause. I was honest with my Husband and told him that I was feeling down, but not really bad. By Wednesday night we were sitting in the hot tub and I was kind of quiet and he asked “What’s going through your mind” I told him that I had very conflicted emotions, and that it just makes me feel depressed when we have such a great weekend together but yet I can’t keep from thinking about his betrayal. I talked for about an hour while he just listened. I could feel that my talking about how I was feeling was making me feel worse and worse; however I didn’t want to stop. It felt like the right thing to tell him what was going on my mind. After about an hour he wanted to get out of the hot tub, he suggested that we sit on the porch and I didn’t want to because it was windy and chilly. When he did not suggest going inside and continuing the conversation I of course took this as he was done and did not want to hear from me anymore. This sent me into a tail spin and the next couple days were not fun. It got so bad that he was at the point to suggest that if he made the move to end our marriage would this make it easier on me. Honestly nothing about this situation is easy. We made an appointment for the coming Saturday to see our marriage counselor and she helped calm things down for me and us.
This week has been calm, but of course that means we really are not talking about anything. We are just moving through each day as best as we can. Then it started again, there are just so many strange things that have gone on over the past few months. Finding stuff in my Husbands car (a baggie of marijuana, we don’t smoke) that was stuffed under the passenger seat. Magazines that he did not sign up for coming to the house, text messages to me from unknown people, that wont answer when I text back, but yet he knows nothing about any of it and when I suggest that any of these things could be linked to his “girlfriend” he insists that there is no way, she wouldn’t have done any of those things. So instead of saying to me “wow that would be fucked up” and even considering the possibility he dismisses me and defends her. Then when he see’s me withdrawing again we go 3 nights together, where he could have started a conversation. I get “what’s up”, “you ok” not “hey do we need to talk?” By day 4 he is texting me while at work, and saying “I take it you not having a good week”
So lets go back to my original question “What am I doing here”? Am I staying for the right or wrong reasons, is money or me being afraid? I am 44 years old, still in good shape and have been told by many that I am attractive. However starting over is not want I wanted at this point in my life, I know that people do it all the time but why should I? I moved to the East coast almost 15 years ago to start over with my Husband, we went through some rough financial times in the beginning but that was we were both paying for a our 1st divorces and he had to get used to paying child support to his 1st wife. We got through it together because we were a team, a couple that wanted all the same things. somewhere in 2009 we lost all of that and I have yet to understand where it all went. I still want all the things that we planned for, but I don’t know if I want them with him.
Today is Fathers day, I have had a really bad week but tried my hardest to make it a good day, I am pretty sure that it was just for my kids sake so that they still don’t get a hint of what is going on between us. As soon as they go to bed I am sure the question “What’s going on in your head” will come and I don’t have the answer.
Maybe by the time you hear from me again I will…

Thanks again for reading, comment and I will answer as soon as I can
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