Picking Up The Pieces- Moving On- Part 6
PART 1 http://www.ladieznight.com/3804 PART 2 http://www.ladieznight.com/3814 PART 3 http://www.ladieznight.com/4000 PART 4 http://www.ladieznight.com/4037 PART 5 http://www.ladieznight.com/4129
Picking up the pieces part 6……Moving on? Moving on, means many different things. It can mean getting past the hurt and betrayal, learning how to forgive and make my marriage work. It can also mean time to leave my marriage and move on with the next chapter of my life, being a single Mom.
A few weeks ago my Husband said something to me that has kept me thinking. He said that he thought maybe I was incapable of forgiveness, that maybe it is just not my personality. I think he might be right, normally when someone does me wrong I am done with them, out of my life I don’t need friends like that. But when its your Husband and the Father of your children, how do you just walk away and not look back. Well I can tell you that since finding out about his affair I have come closer to leaving then trying to forgive. So is he right? Am I not capable of forgiveness? So far 5 months have past since I found out, and I am no where near forgiveness. He thinks I may be incapable of forgiving him, but what I don’t see is his capability to make up for what he has done to me and how he has made me feel.
How I see us right now is mediocre at best, are we capable of getting along? Yes. Is it what it was? No. Will we ever have what we had before? I doubt it. So here is a theory, if he had an affair because there was something missing in his emotional needs and I feel now that we don’t have an emotional connection, at what point will this happen again? When will he justify to himself and someone else that “oh well she doesn’t love me anyway” and the next female that makes him feel gushy inside he does it again. The way I see it, its bound to happen again even if he has said there is no way he would put us through this kind of turmoil again, but then again he had once said he could never do anything to hurt me.
Today is July 1st 150 days have passed and I am still in the same place I was on January 31. We go a couple days where we are semi o.k. never great but o.k. and then it all starts over again. I can wake up after a bad night sleep and be honest about my feelings, and he immediately goes into robot mode. We were planning a night out tonight, I woke this morning not in the best of moods and when he asked I told him that I dreamt a lot last night and that the images were not good. He said nothing, didn’t offer any comfort even if he had said I am sorry do you need a hug? If I had said no thank you, at least I would have known he cared and tried. So on the way to work he sends me a text that asks if I still wanted to go out tonight. I couldn’t believe it; we had made the plans for 2 days talked about them just the night before and here he is asking if I still wanted to go. If I am off base here please feel free to chime in. This made me feel that he did not want to waste time and money if I was not in a good mood. When actually he could have said sorry you had such a bad night, let’s try and make tonight a good one. When I called him on this it became, “oh I thought you were just too tired to go out”. I don’t know what to think anymore. After a bad night that was supposed to be good, we/I calmed down a little and were able to “talk” some.
Today is July 7; we have been doing o.k. and decided that we need to see the counselor more often then we have. So tonight we are seeing her and maybe I might start going on my own once a week. We rescheduled our date night to tomorrow. Then we have a planned 4 day weekend to take the kids to a couple places that they wanted to go to this summer. My new question since starting this chapter is “How long will I feel this way?” and when will he get tired of waiting for me. At our counseling session she asked if I felt I could not get my feelings back for him what I was going to do, she asked if I was going to stay for the kids. My kids are so important to me and they did nothing to deserve any of this, I said I was willing to stay as long as needed to raise our kids. Even if this means I live in a one sided marriage, meaning I may not be in love with my husband but he says he loves me. The counselor asked if he was willing to live like this, his answer was no. He said that he would not be willing to continue as we are, and what I heard was for not too much longer. This caused me to do some thinking, and if he can not take my out bursts and feelings of depression that make my anger come out. That at anytime he was going to give up and this made me shut down emotionally. The next session the counselor asked how we were doing, he said he thought things were better. I said that I had decided that I can’t express myself anymore for fear that he will just give up on us.
Today is July 26th; I know that my husband made a huge mistake and is very remorseful and he does love me. However to forgive him in my eyes is letting him off the hook for breaking my heart. I still can’t tell him I love him, because I am not “in” love with him, I have not put my wedding ring back on and he removed his a few weeks back that hurt because I don’t think he had a reason to do that, unless he had given up on us. I miss the feeling of being in love, but unfortunately it’s just not coming back. Next month August 19 is our 10 year wedding anniversary, 2 years ago we talked about this up coming date and how it meant so much to us to make it to this mile stone. His first marriage ended at 6 years and my 1st marriage ended just after my 9th anniversary. So for us to make it to 10 years married was going to be a great celebration. We talked about trips, parties and possibly re-new our vows. Well as you can guess none of that will be happening and when I think about what could have been I get very sad.
Instead we are going away for 4 days that week; he says he has made all the arraignments. I only know what state we will be in not the city or where we are staying. We do still enjoy each others company, but is it a love affair or just two people moving through the day.
Our sex life has been great; however that was never an issue with us. We have always enjoyed a healthy and very full sex life together. But I have already noticed that some of the things that he said a few months ago have already stopped. He said he wanted to make sure that he brought home fresh flowers every week that lasted for less then a month. He wrote me 1 heart felt e-mail and said he planned on doing it more, that has not happened. He wrote a long hand written letter and also said he had more to write and would soon. That never happened; it’s not like I really expected any of these things to happen forever but to say he is going to do these things and then just stop, makes me feel again like the effort is only temporary.
The next month will be a challenge, even as I write this the same song keeps running through my head. It’s by my favorite band of all time, U2 the song is “Stuck in a moment you can’t get out of” the chorus is what I hear;
You’ve got to get yourself together
You’ve got stuck in a moment
And now you can’t get out of it
Don’t say that later will be better
Now you’re stuck in a moment
And you can’t get out of it.
Thanks for taking the time to read about my life, sorry that this one is long but I wrote it over several weeks and when you are going through daily ups and downs finding the time to sit and write becomes very tough to do. I appreciate all comments positive and even negative. I will respond to any comments. Author of pieces.