Picking up the pieces #8 – Why I wont wear my wedding or engagement ring.

This is the story of how we got engaged and then married.

We had been living together for just over a year, there was talk of marriage and children. In fact we had made plans to quit smoking, so that we could work on the children part. I was not real big on the idea of getting married again, the whole 1st marriage had left a really bad taste in my mouth, but he was. We were headed out to dinner, our favorite Sushi bar for what seemed like a normal night out. As we were just about to leave our apartment he stopped me  and said I have something to give to you. I was not sure what he was talking about so I said oh yea what? From behind his back he handed me a little black box I didn’t know what to say, he said “open it” I did and what was inside one the most beautiful diamond solitaire with emeralds surrounding the diamond. I was stunned, I did not know this was coming, he had picked the ring out all by himself. I asked what is this for? and he said I want to marry you. It felt so good, to feel that he went shopping all by himself and taking a chance by picking out this ring and that even though I had said I was not ready he wanted to show me he was and wanted to prove his love. Even though I knew at that moment I was not ready to get married, but loved the idea of saying we were engaged and that maybe sometime in the near future I would be ready to marry again and I knew it would be with him, so I said yes.

That next June we found out that I was pregnant with our first child, we discussed getting married at that time and decided that we would still wait. She was born in April 1999, she was the most beautiful and we were both so happy. I was working full time from our apartment, that way I could take care of our baby all myself and save money on day care. In August of 2001 I was not feeling very well and my cycle was about a week late. My Mom was visiting at this time and her and I had just had the “marriage” chat she was not pressuring me she just wanted to know if we had any plans to get married or have any other children. I told her that at this time we had no plans for either. On a Tuesday I remember calling him from work (I was working 2 days a week out of the house, and 3 days in) and telling him that my period was now over a week late and I was kinda not feeling well. I worked in a medical building, the same as my OB/GYN and the lab, so I called and asked if I could go and get a blood test. That was 10am by 2pm my OB/GYN was calling me to tell me I was definitely pregnant. I was surprised but not at the same time. I called my fiance and told him the news and then asked him “wanna get married this weekend”? He was taken aback a little but responded quickly “YES”.  I spent the rest of the day finding out what we needed to do to get married in our state, the next day we met at the city offices and got a marriage license. At the time we had to wait 72 hours from the time you pull the license until you can get married. I called a Justice of the Peace and asked if she was available on Sunday to marry us, she was. That night while eating dinner I told my Mom that we had something to do on Sunday and we both needed new dresses, she was a little confused and asked what we were doing. I told her we had a wedding to attend, she asked who’s wedding, we both smiled and said ours and by the way we are having another baby in April. She was thrilled, my Mother has always been my greatest supporter with everything I have ever done.

We had a cute little ceremony in The JP’s apartment, my 2 1/2 year old daughter was there, his 7 year old son and my Mom were the only people in attendance. A few weeks later we went to a jewelery store and picked out wedding rings they were very similar to each others and since then only until I found out about his affair the only time I took off my rings, was when they needed to be cleaned or I was working out. The night I found out about the affair I took off my rings and I have a memory of tossing them out the window, but I found them a month or so later in the car so I guess I didn’t throw them out but really wanted to.
I have put them away, where I would never see them on a day to day basis and where he would not know where they are. I can’t wear them, I don’t feel what I felt the day he gave me the engagement ring or the day we got married. I never thought I would be able to say to someone that I am giving you my heart and my life will be devoted to us and our children, that feeling is gone and the rings do not mean what they once did. I loved this man more then even he believes, we had an incredible marriage which included being each others best friend and the best sex life that most men would envy.

Now all that is gone, what we have now is a sexual relationship & we get along for the most part. When I am not having a complete break down, but we are not the same couple that we were. I have given myself and him until the end of January for my mind to change and be in love with him again at that time I have a decision to make, a decision that not only effects me but our children. So far I feel no trust or love and as each day that goes by when I don’t wake up with those feelings, I come to believe that maybe those things are gone and can not be brought back. Too many people tell me it takes time, I just am not sure how long is enough or too much time to take.
Thanks to all who have sent messages of encouragement and your insights. Please leave a commit I will reply as soon as I can.

Author of Pieces

The other intense & interesting parts of this ongoing dilemma can be found here-

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