Open Letter To My Husband- Picking Up The Pieces #9
The Author, now revealed Is Mistress Desire
Picking up the pieces volume 9
~~Open letter to my Husband~~
This is an open letter to my Husband, nothing in this letter I have not said before to him. My reason for writing in this forum is to give my readers an even better understanding as to what is going on in my head and heart. I welcome any comments or questions anyone may have and I will respond.
Even as I begin to type I can feel my heart race and my eyes already start to tear up, but why? It’s been 9 months since finding out how you spent 4 months lying about the places you were going and who you would be with, knowing that I was at home waiting up for you. Never once while you were out did I just turn off the lights and go to bed, I waited for your text to tell me you were on your way home and for you to walk in the door. We would spend some time catching up on our day, maybe have a quick drink and then head up to bed together. You would kiss me and say goodnight. However I did not know that just an hour before kissing me goodnight, you were doing the same thing with her. Kissing her goodnight and telling her how much you enjoyed the short time you spent together, driving away and immediately texting her to say goodnight once again. So now I ask again why does this makes me cry?
Because I loved you, and trusted you and never in a million years did I think that you could do this to me, to us, to our family. The day I received the e-mail telling me all about the affair, I actually didn’t believe it. I thought someone who was angry with me was just spreading rumors to hurt me. I would have done anything for you, for us, all you had to do was come to me and say that things were spiraling out of control and we need to get help to make it stop. I cry because I miss what we had, and even when we are having a good day together or with the kids I go back to a year ago and wonder what was I not doing then? What could I have done different? How did we get here? I have asked all these questions to you and your standard answer is “I made a mistake” or “I was wrong”
So how do I know that I am not making a mistake now? Because we once loved each other?, and I say “we” because no matter how many times you say it now, there was a short time you did not, there was no way you could have. If you truly loved me back in September 2010, you would not have met her a second time after coming home and finding me waiting up for you.
The daily pain I feel is so over whelming, it has affected my work, my ability to sleep, my health both physically and mentally and even socializing. I find myself in a room with friends and I don’t interact like I used to, and they have noticed. No one invites me to girl’s night out anymore, and there have been plenty of those nights. Kind of hard not to notice when pictures of my friends go up on Face book and once again I was included or even asked. When my friends ask “how are you” or “are you OK” I see pity in their eyes, not concern. How I hardly call and talk to my Mom, whom I have always been close to. I can barely get through a conversation with her and not burst into tears and tell her what is going on between you and I, but I can’t do that to her. The fact that I look at our children and for the first time ever I wished they were older so that maybe this would be easier on them and they could understand better.
I moved to the east coast 15 years ago this month, looking forward to a new start with a man I had fallen in love with. No job, hardly any money, no family or friends. But I put my faith, hopes and dreams in your hands. What I have left is an empty shell, the only thing filling that shell is, broken promises, lost dreams and a hole in my heart where you once were. I know you say you are sorry and that you will never do anything like this again. I go back to my question I have asked again and again, why did you do it? What was so bad that you couldn’t talk to the best friend you have ever had. The one person who thought she knew everything there was to know about you, the one who has shared the most intimate moments of ours lives together. You were my confidant, my best friend, the one I turned to when I was down. I am sorry that I could not be that for you, I would have, had I been given the chance.
Just to be clear I loved you more then anyone I have ever loved before. I am sorry that is gone, I am sorry that I am angry and sad and no matter what you do or say it does not change things, not the affair you had or how it changed my feelings toward you and us. 15 years ago you saved me from myself, I was lost in a depression that I was not sure I would recover from. You helped me through it, and now I am 100 times worse off then when you found me, and maybe that is where our trouble lies. You needed someone to rescue and I no longer was that girl. She came to you crying about her boyfriend cheating on her, now ironically at first you felt bad for her and the way she was feeling. Somewhere you put that emotion out of your head long enough to say “hey this is nice” having someone who thinks you are their savor a shoulder to cry on so to speak. I had become strong and you felt you were no longer needed, so you found someone more pathetic who thought you were her god send. She was younger and she said all the right things, just as anyone trying to win someone over would at the beginning of a relationship. Never once did the two of you consider that if she was so upset about her boyfriend’s alleged cheating, that you would be inflicting that same hurt onto me. Of course not it felt too good and it was exciting, all new and especially hidden relationships are. I have my speculations as to why you ended it with her and you have told me part of the reasons. But back to the original question “why did it start”?
We agreed sometime in August not to discuss divorce until the end of January, by then it will have been a year. With just over 3 months to go, I am worried that we are still headed in that direction. My feelings for you are strong, but not always in a good way. I fight off my emotions as best as I can, I fight the images in my head of you and her laughing at the fact you were getting away with this and that I was clueless. I fight the urge everyday from putting my fist through a wall (again). What I don’t fight is the tears that come almost everyday, whether its while driving home from work. Sitting at my desk and a song comes on that brings it on. Sitting in my car at lunch watching couples enjoying an afternoon together. Or sometimes its after we go to bed and have sex, my mind wonders back to, why?
We talk, but nothing is really said. You say things will be different but yet you fall back into the pattern of just let things work themselves out. You say when things are calm you get comfortable and the way I see it last fall you were all too comfortable and that is how you were able to tell me you were going to help one of our friends with their computer, when that just became the perfect excuse. You were comfortable enough to believe that you could get away with it for as long as it suited you. Too bad that when you were done with her, she couldn’t accept that and wanted to make our life hell by making sure I knew all about it.
I have to end it here, before it becomes even more repetitive, I know you are trying, I hear you when you say you love me and want to be with me. However the questions remain the same,……WHY? What were you thinking?, did you not think that this could end our marriage? Or did you just not care? All of these questions must be answered before we can move on, I know that you think you have answered them but you have not. I need complete honesty even if you think it will tear us apart, better the truth then the continued lies…..
I leave it all up to you, either answer the questions or face the enviable
Thank you for taking the time to read again, again I welcome your comments and questions.
aka Mistress Desire
Follow me on Twitter http://twitter.com/MistressDesire
You can read the other installments of this story here-
Desire welcomes & answers your comments here. Or you can contact her on twitter @MistressDesire.
PART 1 http://www.ladieznight.com/3804 True Story of a Break Up
PART 2 http://www.ladieznight.com/3814 Seven Weeks Later
PART 3 http://www.ladieznight.com/4000 A Wife’s Journey After Her Husband’s Affair
PART 4 http://www.ladieznight.com/4000 To Live As Roommates?
PART 5 http://www.ladieznight.com/4129 Things Went South
PART 6 http://www.ladieznight.com/4211 Moving On
PART 7 http://www.ladieznight.com/4243 The Revenge Factor
Part 8 http://www.ladieznight.com/4298 Why I Won’t Wear my Wedding Ring