Picking up the pieces # 10  ~ The end of 2011

Today is December 31, 2011 it has been exactly 11 months to the day that I found out that my Husband was having an affair. In the last 11 months I have never been through such a fire storm of emotions. From hated to despair, from anger to desperation. Unfortunately the good emotions like “love” and “forgiveness” have not surfaced. Tomorrow is January 1, 2012; the thought of leaving 2011 brings tears to my eyes. I have never wanted a year to be over and done with more in my life. Normally this time of year all the news shows have the segments that look back at year and I just can’t, this has been the worst year of my life and don’t want to remember any of it. However if I just completely forget, will we ever learn from our mistakes?

I have not written for a long time, this fall and winter have been very tough on me. My Husband’s affair happened between the beginning of October 2010 through January 2011. So looking back at all the times he was “out” and now that I have most of the information and dates, the anniversary dates have been like living through it even though it was a year ago. I hope I am making sense. My anger has kept me from seeing anything good in him or us.

The week following Christmas he calls a fantastic week of bonding, when all it was was us being able to be in the same room making small talk, playing a new game on the Wii and of course sex several times during the week. We had one talk and that was Christmas night, after a major what has become known as a “flare up” where I become very down and then something that is either said or done triggers a highly emotional state. I no longer want to try, I no longer want to be married, and I just end up crying for hours feeling lost and depressed. Then we go through a week or so of calm and then it happens again. So the trigger this week is really hard to explain, as I said when I started writing this it was December 31, 2011 sometime in the morning, I stopped because I had stuff that needed to get done. I was feeling a little down, but I didn’t give it much thought. We had dinner, I have not been eating much lately in fact if I eat 1 meal a day I am doing good. I have recently been put on a cocktail of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication.

So its New Years Eve and the kids wanted to stay up until midnight and we had bought sparkling apple cider, at 15 minuets to midnight my husband poured everyone a glass of cider and  I put mine down and went to the bathroom. Before I knew it I was lying on the floor crying, I could hear my step son ask his dad where did I go and his answer was I am not sure. He didn’t even bother to come and see if I was ok, at some point I called out his name and he finally came I was crying uncontrollably and told him I couldn’t go back in with the kids and ran upstairs as the kids counted down to 2012. I couldn’t celebrate the end of 2011, even with my kids. This year has almost killed me, and if any of you think I am being over dramatic. I have been told that the act of infidelity is as close to the same pain as losing a child, please if anyone who is reading this has lost a child I am truly sorry I am just quoting from the books and from the PhD’s that I have consulted with. After midnight I listened to my Husband put our kids to bed, he came into our bedroom to find me again on the floor crying I couldn’t stop and of course all he ever says is I am sorry you are in so much pain. I told him how he has ruined every Holiday, Thanksgiving sucked because I have all the proof of the texts between the two of them, Christmas sucked for the same reason, and last New Years Eve we had too much to drink and I passed out at 11:30, only later to find out that as soon as that happened he was on the phone with her.

Last week I gave him the title of a book, I found this book on line while doing research about healing from affairs. I found it months ago and kept it wondering if he was doing any of the same research. He is the computer guy, he is way better at using Google then I am and I asked him if he is looking up stuff and he said yes. Well I guess he is not, I am the one that has found every book every article. The one article he sent me, was a daily email that I signed him up to that I also get. But yet he still says he is doing everything “right” everything he “can” I says he has read half the book now, even though I have not actually seen that and I consistently hear how busy he is at work so I am not sure when this reading is taking place. He has yet to discuss anything he has learned from the book. All he said was I now realize what I was doing wrong in the beginning, ok so what was that and what are you doing different now? He barely says anything, he says to me is there anything you need to talk about? Why can’t he talk to me for a change? Why is it up to me to start a conversation?

So today January 1, 2012 I spent sitting in a chair barely saying anything to anyone, at 11:00pm he says to me “I am tired, I want to go to bed. Do you want to come?” I said no, I thought at some point we would talk, but since your tired and would rather sleep then by all means go to bed. Of course he then said he was willing to talk, but you know what I am always the second choice not the first. Had he said would you like to talk, or would you like to go to bed? So much for a new year and a new way of doing things.

Tomorrow we have an appointment with a new therapist, she was recommended by the therapist I have been seeing on my own. I have no hopes that a new therapist is what we need. I truly believe that he thinks as long as he says he loves me that his job is done. I am sure if you asked him he would disagree, but here it is 12:36am he is asleep and I am probably going to fall asleep in the same chair I have been sitting in most of the day and he will not notice until maybe around 6 when the kids alarm goes off.

I feel pathetic that I am so unable to move forward one way or another. Stay and learn to live with what has happened or leave and try to pull myself up and learn to be strong on my own. Throughout this entire time I have said I wanted to end my marriage but yet have not done it and that is because I am afraid. Not just for me, but for my children. I think about them and what it might do to them every day and I do not want my husband’s selfish choices to ruin their home.

Thank you all for taking the time to read, I welcome any comments and try to respond as quickly as I can.

You can also follow me on Twitter at twitter.com/MistressDesire

Happy New Year All

Author of Pieces

aka Mistress Desire

Read all of the Picking up the Pieces series here http://www.ladieznight.com/4421

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