What a Porn Girl Learned from a Wing Girl

by Lainie Speiser

Come February 25 I will have worked behind the scenes in the adult industry as a publicist for 21 years so I think it’s safe to say I know a lot about what men want. I have also written six books, mainly books for couples counseling them on how to spice up their sex lives or how to give your man a killer blow job. I like to think I know what really lurks in the hearts of all men, no matter what they outwardly say to everybody else. It’s my job to get their attention, turn them on and make them stay interested in the product that I am selling, that product being sex and sensuality.

But dating and relationships, that’s different. I myself don’t like to date and neither do many of the women who work in front of the camera in my industry. We give so much of ourselves on a day to day basis, when it comes to our own personal time we tend to skip the little steps and go straight to the relationship. Sure we do some initial dating rituals like going out to dinner, the conversations, the flirting and so forth. But basically we are women who think we know what we want right away and once we see that we go straight to the shack-up. Sometimes the result can be disastrous the guy turns out to be some kind of phony or scoundrel, but a lot of times we ourselves wake up in bed, turn over, look at our snoring partner and just think, “God what was I thinking of I gotta get out of this pronto.” And we do just that.

So when I started working with Wing Woman Marni Kinrys who is a dating coach to men literally all over the world on a writing project I was intrigued and admittedly challenged. Writing about the whole Boy-Meets-Girl thing isn’t the same as writing about how to explore your submissive side in a role play fantasy. This is about making the first initial connection with someone on more than a sexual level. This is good old-fashioned romance and even a porn peddler wants to know if it’s possible to get the person you really want and find dare I say it? True love! This is for people who are not in the adult industry, The Civilians, as we sometimes call the rest of you. But just because we sell lust for a living it doesn’t mean that we don’t want the same things that you do. A special someone who understands you, knows what you’re thinking of and thinks of you after you’ve had a hard day and calls you to see if you’re doing alright. Sex is very important to me, but these things, they’re pretty damn good too.

It’s not that me and my colleagues in the adult industry don’t believe in romance. On the contrary we are suckers for it. We sell fantasy for a living and we dream big. But we are what I learned from Marni’s Wing Girl materials we are “Pouncers.” We meet someone we like and right away we pounce, not just in the bedroom, but get ourselves intertwined with someone we don’t know all that well because we’ve worked it out in our own mushy minds what this relationship is going to be without asking ourselves if this is the right person, and the person we really want. Usually when we find this out we’re in deep and it can get a little sticky to get the heck out. There’s usually some pain and a lot of drama and in the end we’re so embarrassed we don’t want to even think about how we got into it in the first place. The combination of horny and lonely can be a very intoxicating cocktail and when you wake up from your black out, well you can feel mighty rough.

Although I’m currently single I definitely meet a lot of people and go out on a fair share of the dreaded dates. Dating men who are in the mainstream entertainment industry is always good because they aren’t so threatened by my books, my porn star clients and wacky lifestyle. But this can have its hazards too, you end up dating lots of egomaniacs who talk about themselves non-stop and almost try to compete with you on the accomplishments. So bizarrely you become rivals of sorts and that’s not good. When I date people who have regular jobs they tend to be a little too enthralled and somewhat intimidated and don’t talk about themselves much at all because they think they’re boring, they are bored with their lives themselves and say so. That’s sort of a turn-off as I’ve never thought my job made me interesting, but my off-beat way of thinking did. Or they think because I must meet a lot of scummy men that they have to be extra “nice” which I like most women interpret as a man who is a total pussy. Those are the guys that get stuck in “The Friend Zone” which Marni covers a lot in her coaching. And I learned that all women, not just women who work in porn, want a man who takes charge by planning the dates, taking initiative and making us feel pretty and feminine.

Working on a project with Marni called “What the F do Women Want” became a weird and at times uncomfortable “This is Your Dating Life” journey for me. I was reading about men who talk too much about their pasts, men who are charming but can’t go past the jokey banter thing to real substance, men who are scared to touch and men who are creepy touchy/feely way too fast. I read about men who don’t understand that texting a new lady at 11pm on a weeknight makes a woman feel cheap and men who call an hour after they’ve met us and scare us away. Men who psyche themselves out because they don’t think they’re cool or good looking enough and men who think they’re too cool and good looking and think we should do all the chasing. I’ve had them all, and admittedly since it takes two to tango I’ve been at fault in stepping on a foot here and there in the man-woman dance. As I would take notes and listen to Marni’s audio my eyes got a much clearer perspective on things.

I recently met a man on Match.com. Yes I went on Match. I wanted to meet different types of men and break some of my old patterns that clearly are not working for me. Perhaps spending time with Marni and talking to her on the phone a lot had something to do with that. Not much was catching my interest but one man did, Peter, I will call him here. Peter is my type, a tall, blue-eyed, boyishly handsome older guy with a conservative job and some conservative outlooks on life, but funny and eccentric like me, and yes definitely sexy. Peter and I were talking online for a spell and when I asked him what he was looking for on Match he went on a long diatribe about all the women he met, what they looked like, how old they were, what had happened. It didn’t offend me but it didn’t make me feel wanted either. Plus, he didn’t actually answer the question. It felt like half a brag and half a women are nuts kind of conversation. Then he asked me if I was free on New Year’s so he could check me out and “kick the tires.” I did have plans on New Year’s with friends, and I told him this. I also told him what I thought of his lengthy descriptions of his love life and wasn’t sure if he was truly interested in me and who I showed him I was at this point. Peter surprised me with a phone call that night and he said, “I’m sorry I talk too much sometimes without thinking. I am very interested in you. I think you’re pretty and smart and we like a lot of the same things. I would love to meet you and take you out I think we would have a good time.”

I phoned Marni about it and she said she was proud at how I handled Peter, and was even more delighted when I told her that we were going out for the first time that Saturday night to a cigar bar and then dinner. I realized in the past I would have either smart-mouthed the guy hard and alienated him without thinking, or I wouldn’t have bothered with him at all. But I didn’t do either and after another phone conversation where he told me he went to his Godfather’s memorial service the same day I went to my Uncle Freddy’s funeral and we had decent connection going, I realized what men really want is for women to nicely tell them what they want. Not just what we want, but what we don’t want. What we like and what we don’t like. If he doesn’t care, he’s probably an asshole and move on. But for the most part I’ve come away with that men are a lot more open to kind suggestion than we think, and just because they are perceived as the stronger sex it doesn’t mean that we can’t gently steer to show them what makes us tick.

And Peter and I are going on date number four this weekend. What will happen, it’s too soon to say and if nothing at all happens that’s cool too. But it just goes to show a Wing Girl can teach a Porn Girl some new tricks.

www.winggirlmethod.com

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