Picking up the pieces #12 Finding out the “Why’s”
Picking up the pieces #12 Finding out the “Why’s”
(You can read all the other parts of Picking Up The Pieces by searching that phrase on this site)
This has been a big question throughout this entire process the question of why did this happen to us. When I thought we were a strong couple and nothing or no one could come between us, boy was I wrong. This all began on a slippery slope years ago when we opened up our marriage to a new lifestyle called “swinging” If you refer back to my very first article I wrote for this site you will be reminded of our experience in the sex club in Vegas and subsequent articles were we jumped in feet first. We did not know that this was part of the reason that a wedge would come between us and we were unaware of it happening. Swinging is not a bad thing, as long as you have rules and open communication of which we had. A year before my husband’s affair several of our friends within the lifestyle separated because of infidelity reasons, we were crushed and discussed this in great detail and I thought we worked it out that we would not let this happen to us. During all this time we both spent a lot of time “chatting” with different people, some in the lifestyle some that were not. We were very open with who we were talking with, I have mentioned before that I was chatting on line with a guy I will refer to as GB, my husband was very much aware and even chatted with him a little bit and it was my husband that gave GB my cell phone number so he could text me. I asked once if I could meet GB in person and my Husband said no he didn’t think that was a good idea, I was o.k. with this because I didn’t want to do anything that made my husband uncomfortable. So GB and I continued to just chat and text, now let me tell you a little bit about GB. He is a cross dresser who has a girlfriend that knows nothing of his fetish, he liked telling me what he was wearing under his clothes that day and asking me to pick out something for him to wear the next day. I felt bad for him, I was the only one he confided in and several times I would try to get him to bring these things up to his girlfriend and if she really loved him she would share some of this with him. He also had a slave fetish and liked to pretend that I was his Mistress, even though we both knew it could never happen for real. I didn’t mind this fantasy I mean I do refer to myself as Mistress Desire and have entertained a slave boy or two with my husband present in our travels through the lifestyle. Again I shared all these things with my husband until he said he didn’t want to hear about it anymore, he grew not to like GB for his own reasons he felt I had an emotional attachment to him, all along I told my Husband I felt no more than a friendship for GB. The most I felt for him was I felt sorry for him and maybe that is an emotion but I certainly was not having an “emotional affair” To me an emotional affair is when you share “feelings” and share your day and what is going on with your personal life, like if I was telling him how my husband and I had a fight the night before or intimate details about my day to day life. GB had no idea where I lived or worked. He was a chat friend, no different than the several female’s that my husband was chatting with and yes he had several and I have seen many of the conversations, many were very personal and some sexually graphic also. However I never said don’t talk to any of these females because I never felt threatened, never had any reason.
The female he had the affair with was someone that I knew he talked to every now and again, I also knew he talked to her boyfriend (they shared a messenger account) so I never knew when he was talking to her or him unless I asked, which I never did and he never told. Back to the topic of “why” many times my husband and I got into arguments over the fact that I talked to GB and yes I would get mad because I knew I was doing nothing wrong or anything any different from what he was doing. So I would defend my friendship and my husband would give in and I would continue to talk to GB. Many times during the year GB would disappear for months at a time, no emails no messages or texts. When he would return I always made sure that I told my husband, except for one time I didn’t tell him for a couple days and he blew up at me for not telling him. This is when I found out that he was hacking into my e-mail and messenger accounts, talk about feeling violated. I let him know that this was unacceptable and that if this ever happens again we were done, he took this to mean that I was threatening divorce over my friendship with GB. What I was saying is I would not tolerate the explosions and invasion of privacy. At this point he said something that now rings in my ears as the biggest threat of them all; his words were “this guy will be the death of us”. So the “why” seems a little more clear, he even told his par amour that he just knew I was having a physical affair with GB, I am sure that was to just make her feel better about being with a married man if she even cared at all (I truly doubt she did). I feel he justified his affair because instead of believing me or even asking me again if there was anything going on between GB and I except a platonic friendship and had there been anything more I would have come clean by now.
Which now leads me to my feelings of guilt, I don’t feel guilty because I actually did anything wrong. What I did do wrong was not pay attention to the writing on the wall, even thou my Husband would tell me it’s okay to continue to “talk” to GB he did not mean it and this caused the breakdown of our relationship this is what caused my Husband to believe that somehow I was drifting away. This will forever be my guilt. However the choices my Husband made to allow another woman to swoop in and try her hardest to steal him away belong to him and I take no ownership of any of that part.
We are completely out of the swinging lifestyle and if we stay together, there is no way we will ever go down that road again. I had stopped talking to GB around November of 2010 which was during my Husbands affair, the reason for stopping was GB said he wanted to stop talking for reasons he never told me and I haven’t heard from him since then. I re-opened my Twitter account only to express my feelings now and again. I chat with no one and neither does my Husband, that is part of the new “vanilla” lifestyle there is no room in our relationship for any extra’s real of cyber.
We are still going to weekly counseling sessions and as of this writing I can’t tell you for sure its working, all I can say is we are still trying.
Thanks again for reading, leave your comments
Author of Pieces
aka: Mistress Desire
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Categories: 2012